She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
She said her name was "party"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
