and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
