oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
