i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
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update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
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I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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