I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
