If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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