I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
