I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
