I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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