My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
