last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
