Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize