saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
It's shark week go big or go home
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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