i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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