i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
