Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
