it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
