Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Randomize
