Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
