Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize