He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
