if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
