Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
