If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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