11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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