Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
