Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
