I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
