I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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