I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
