I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
