Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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