the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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