Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I licked your asshole in confidence.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
