Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
