I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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