I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
All of them.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.