Texts From Last Night

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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer

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  (267): My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer http://tfl.nu/qmj6
  Replies (102) Good night (1360) Bad night (3780)
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle

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  (416): that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle http://tfl.nu/ax2q
  Replies (11) Good night (1362) Bad night (4793)
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  (807): View more from Ontario

  Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this

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  (807): Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this http://tfl.nu/x0os
  Replies (10) Good night (1360) Bad night (4036)
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.

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  (217): i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college. http://tfl.nu/qid3
  Replies (8) Good night (3664) Bad night (894)
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  (425): View more from Washington

  there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..

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  (425): there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room.. http://tfl.nu/dpny
  Replies (17) Good night (5779) Bad night (1083)
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?

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  (828): is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear? http://tfl.nu/pkiy
  Replies (1) Good night (824) Bad night (1567)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is

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  (703): Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is http://tfl.nu/4n15
  Replies (7) Good night (1237) Bad night (932)
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.

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  (937): Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast. http://tfl.nu/uerp
  Replies (7) Good night (1362) Bad night (615)
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.

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  (810): Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor. http://tfl.nu/mqcd
  Replies (8) Good night (1828) Bad night (613)
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?

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  (727): I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening? http://tfl.nu/i8s4
  Replies (8) Good night (1155) Bad night (732)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal

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  (201): It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal http://tfl.nu/8mo5
  Replies (2) Good night (780) Bad night (262)
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?

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  (651): Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you? http://tfl.nu/w903
  Replies (2) Good night (627) Bad night (268)
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  (415): View more from California

  Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.

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  (415): Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time. http://tfl.nu/jw47
  Replies (0) Good night (544) Bad night (230)
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.

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  (908): I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago. http://tfl.nu/reuq
  Replies (2) Good night (570) Bad night (275)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.

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  (703): I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final. http://tfl.nu/iiqy
  Replies (0) Good night (348) Bad night (386)

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