Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
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OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
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I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.