Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
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I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
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We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT