Sry I called you an 8
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Randomize
