pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
