my soul wont recognize me after tonight
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
