I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
