What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
