I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
