once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
