My friends, they love my intelligence
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
