I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
