Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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