Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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