Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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