i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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