i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
