Don't make out with my wife yet
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
